I hate Michael Bay movies. Hell I kinda just hate Michael Bay, like quite a lot, for making so many terrible movies. “Armageddon”, terrible movie. “Pearl Harbor”, super terrible movie. “Transformers” and all its ilk, simply awful movies that ruined my good childhood memories of the cartoon. And not only do I hate those movies, and him, I hate the fact that people go to the theaters in droves to see that crap.
So this got me thinking… if Michael Bay is such a draw to the theaters, what movie remakes would I really just hate to see him do? Or maybe hate so much that I’d even kinda like it a little bit. What movie remakes done by him would make me break my years long personal ban of giving that man even a single penny from my pocket?
So here it is, my list of movies that Michael Bay should never, ever, ever remake. But if he does, I may just have to pony up and go see them in the theater.
5. “Schindler’s List” – This one may be too obvious, since it’s already a war movie. But this would make it a really, really war-y war movie.
Somewhere behind all those explosions is the girl in the red coat. But she’s armed. And exploding. And her coat is exploding too.
4. Any Shakespeare, preferably either “Richard III” (Now is BOOM the winter BOOM of BOOM BOOM our discontent KABOOM!!!), or “The Tempest” (Hell is empty, and all the devils are here…. KABOOOOOOOOM!!!).
That’s an exploding sword. To be, or not to be, indeed.
3. “Babe” – Explosions would add more excitement to the sheep herding scenes… which is the whole movie. http://tinyurl.com/2g2xfqw
When the pigs wage war, it’s the sheep who die.
2. “Harold & Maude” – Because the car ‘death’ scene would be epic.
This is before he even drives it off the cliff. This is just as he’s driving to the cliff. Because Bay.
1. “My Dinner with Andre” – Let’s see you explode your way out of this movie, Bay. I dare you. Gauntlet thrown.
Touché, Michael Bay. Well played. I stand corrected.
Bonus: “Star Wars: Episodes 1-3” – Because there’s no way he could make these movies any worse, there just isn’t, so he could actually make them a little better. At the very least, he’d just completely ignore the boring political and romance nonsense, and focus only on the ‘SPLOSIONS.